For anyone who doesn’t know what SAHM means it stands for Stay At Home Mom.
I don’t really like that label! I should cherish it. But I generally don’t.
I try to use WAHM for myself whenever I remember. That stands for Work At Home Mom. Because I DO work at home.
I have a very hard time accepting my “identity” as a mom who doesn’t have a job outside the home.
It’s not always hard. I really feel SO fortunate to have this time with Caleb! He sometimes asks to go to daycare when we drive by one (because they have a playground outside!), or if he hears of one of his friends at school going to daycare. He doesn’t fully understand what it is, but it has a playground, so it’s exciting!
But when he asks to go to daycare I’m happy I get to keep him home with me when he’s not in school. Now, there ARE most CERTAINLY days when daycare sounds good to me too…..but for the most part I feel so blessed to have this time with him. ESPECIALLY as my heart breaks each time I think about him going to school ALL day EVERY day next year for kindergarten!
I think with this baby coming in just days I’m feeling a little trapped. I remember breastfeeding Caleb and how much I cannot be away from the baby at first. And then I think about her heart surgery and how much that is going to take from all of us. And how much we will have to be home and keep her away from people because she can’t get sick.
And I start to feel the walls closing in on me.
I miss using my brain. I miss critical thinking. I miss CREATIVE thinking. I miss having an office. I miss having meetings. I miss having co-workers (who are more than 3 feet tall). I miss not doing the same thing everyday. I miss leading. I miss talking about things that are not child related. I miss SO MANY things.
And I think with this baby coming it’s just reminding me that this season of life is not over yet.
And I don’t regret this baby!!!! It’s not that I am wishing this time away. It’s not that I don’t want to be able to spend this time with her. I’m so grateful that I do get to be with her to monitor her heart issue, to be with her as she heals. I don’t have to worry about working around a work schedule or quitting or losing my job. I am pretty crazy blessed!
It’s just hard sometimes. I am thankful and at the same time still longing for more. It’s an internal conflict. (It’s probably part of the lovely concoction of massive hormones racing around my body too!)
Sometimes it’s just hard to not feel like I’m losing myself a little bit. And really, I think everything going on with church right now has brought it up big time. I miss being a part of leadership and all that goes along with it…the good, the bad and the ugly.
But for now, we are eagerly waiting to meet this sweet (giant) baby girl! I’m sure the minute I get to look into her eyes and see that toothless grin while she sleeps snuggling on me….things will look awfully different!