“You owe me nothing.”

As I said yesterday, I haven’t blogged in about 4 months.  That is not good for me.  Blogging helps me process things.  Get some of the mess out of my head.

But I also haven’t been reading blogs in at least as long.  And that’s not good either.  I miss learning from others, smiling with them and their silly life goings on, and being challenged by what they share.

Today I stole a few moments to read some of Cindy Beall’s blog.  This is the one I read today.  I want to be her when I grow up!  I want our marriage to be at least as good as theirs.  You see, her husband had affairs as well.  He was also a pastor when he had his affair.  They are in ministry again and God is using them in big, big ways.  That’s what I long for.  Every day.

In her blog post that I read today she spoke again about forgiveness.  This is a daily, hourly, moment by moment choice for me.  Every time I miss Veritas, I have to forgive.  Every time Tim works long, crazy hours and I’m alone with the kids…AGAIN, I have to forgive.  Every time I miss being creative, I have to forgive.  Every time I’m lonely, I have to forgive.

Well, I have the CHOICE to forgive.  Sometimes I do, sometimes it’s easier to hold it against Tim.  It’s WAY easier to just hold it against him.

One of the statements that got me was:

We must cancel their debt. We must give up our claim to revenge and blame. We must say, “You owe me nothing.” And when you do this, you will find that freedom is just as contagious as bondage.

I don’t think i realized it, but I think I live with the mentality that Tim owes me.  HE is the one who should work harder on our relationship because, ya know, “he owes me”.  HE should make more loving gestures because, ya know, “he owes me”.  HE should ask me how I’m doing and initiate conversations because, ya know, “he owes me”.

UGH!!  Why can’t I get this right?!?!?  I didn’t even really realize I was doing that until I read this blog post.

I can’t live with the idea that he owes me.  I have to put us on a level playing field.

I have so much work to do!

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2 thoughts on ““You owe me nothing.”

  1. I’m glad you’re back to blogging – it sounds like it’s good for you. Your post reminds me of my frustration with my migraines. I can’t work anymore because of them and I almost always feel guilty about the headaches and not working. My counselor and I have been dealing with this for the last six years. Things are going OK and I think I’ve got it handled, and then it shows back up once again. I can’t tell if I’m spiraling up or down (although my counselor assures me that we’re making progress).

    Walking with Jesus is like this, though. It’s an every minute, every second thing. And so hard sometimes. I’m really working at “taking every thought captive”. I prayed for you tonight. Blessings.

  2. You can do it honey! Keep going to God even with the kids. Teach them how wonderful God can be in their lives and it will resinate to you as well! Love Mom

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