Lost

I’ve said before that blogging helps to sort things out in my head.  To clear the fog a little sometimes.  To weed through the gook.

I feel gooky.  I’m not sure if I’ll even publish this.  But I need to sort things out I suppose.

I don’t know where my life is going.  Have you ever felt that way?

Kinda lost.

Aimless.

Wandering without a clear direction.

That pretty much describes how I’ve been feeling for quite some time now.

When my “career” sort of ended with Tim’s affair I was ok to take some time off.  To take time to heal, get my feet back under me, work on our marriage and figure out where to go from here.

That was over 2 years ago now and I still don’t know what direction to head in.

Obviously I’m a mom.  And that is a HUGE job!  HUUUUUUUGE!!!!!  I am SO thankful I can be home with them in these young years and not have to worry about trying to ask for time off from a job for all of Adara’s doctor’s appointments, missing work or having to quit a job for her surgery, etc.  Gosh, I can’t even imagine what life would have been like if I had had a job during all her appointments and surgery in those first few months.  God was SO gracious to give me that time with both of the kids and to be able to focus on her needs!

But I can’t help but shake this nagging feeling that I have something more.  That I should be doing something else too.

It’s no secret I still miss Veritas.  I still miss working in ministry.  I miss being around people.  I miss pouring into people.  I miss creatively communicating God’s message.  I miss wrestling with verses in the Bible as Tim and I discuss topics and messages.  Debating what they mean, what God is trying to tell us, verses that seemingly contradict other parts of the Bible and wrestling with those questions so we can be more prepared (never having all the answers!) to teach those messages and wrestle those issues with people at church.  There are a lot of things I miss…..

Being a stay at home mom is very isolating.  I keep telling myself if we ever get to move I am going to make sure and LOVE that house because those walls are all I get to see most days!  Sure, I get to go to doctor’s appointments, the grocery store, Target, but those are not “life giving” places to go for me!  I don’t have much contact with other adults.  And if I do, our conversations are interrupted every 5.5 seconds by a little person.  So, needless to say, not much significant conversating happens!  😉

I miss getting in the trenches with people.  Trudging through the muck with them.  Celebrating with them when they’re victorious.  Listening.  Praying.

Right now about the most time I have for conversations is a text.  And even those are often times written in a few sittings because I can’t get a WHOLE text written without interruption!  You can forget a phone conversation!  (C’mom moms, you know what I’m talking about, right?!?!)

I’ve been told….”this is just for a season.”

But is it?

How do I know?

And how do I squelch this nagging gnawing in my gut?

Our church is great.  The pastors are so caring.  They seek God so whole-heartedly.  There are great people who go there.

But, for me, the services are dry.  So dry.

I CRAVE artistic expression.  Color.  Sound.  Smell.  Drama.  Video.  Creative reading.  Stories.  Creative interaction with the message.  ANYTHING.

And we just don’t have that.  And they are NOT wrong for not having that.  They prefer a much simpler kind of church.  Let’s teach the Bible and worship through music and pray and be in community.  That’s what they stand for.  And that is NOT wrong.

I just NEED the creative expression of God too.  My heart needs to be touched, not just my head.

And I wonder if I will ever be able to do that again.  It’s hard to accept that I may not.  That perhaps my time in ministry in the capacity I was in is over for good.

I wonder why God would taunt me with that.  Why would He fill my heart so full as I served Him only to let someone else’s choices take that away and never give it back?

Or maybe something is wrong with ME!  Maybe it’s not Tim’s affair that took me away and has kept me away.  Maybe it’s solely my own fault that God is choosing to not use me.  Maybe it’s just easier to blame Tim and not take ownership for my own failings.

I wish I could just let it go.  I need to ask God to let me be fulfilled in the role of “mom” that He has given me now.  I need to be happy being at home and ask Him to show me how I can serve Him HERE.  I need to stop looking out and wanting more.

It’s ok if you don’t comment.  I’m not looking for Christian platitudes.  No cliches are necessary.  I’ve told them all to myself already.  I think I just needed to get this out of my head.

If you feel a little lost in life, let me know.  Let’s be in community together.  If we’re lost together, we can hold one another’s hand and navigate the windy roads together.  Sure, we may take a wrong turn.  We may have to back track a bit.  But that’s ok.  It’s all part of the journey.  And if we do it together, maybe we won’t feel so much “lost” as “on an adventure without a map”.  That sounds better, huh??  🙂

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8 thoughts on “Lost

  1. I echo these words daily. Thank you for saying them so eloquently. A few different circumstances, but overall still the same aching feeling. We had the Willow Creek Leadership Global Seminars simulcasted at our church this past week and I just couldn’t go – the reason I gave was because it’s hard for me to get work off, but it was actually because I couldn’t deal with all those desires being stirred again, knowing I couldn’t fulfill them! …. I’ll join on your “lost” journey.

  2. Be all that you talked about with God, to your children. Make the Bible alive for them. Open up their little minds to the word. Use the gifts God gave you and show your kids what HE showed you, share it, share it to anyone, BUT MOSTLY TAKE THIS TIME OF BEING HOME TO SHOW YOUR CHILDREN. Maybe God is not choosing to use you (you stated); HE is using you now to raise your children with all the knowledge and experience HE gave to, share with them and then you will be greatly prepared for the next assignment HE has just for you!! Live in the present, God will show you the future when HE is ready to, just for you. Love you my sweet daughter, MOM

  3. I’ve felt very lost, too. I feel less lost right now because I’m developing a plan but I’m sorely lacking in the courage department, so I’m still spinning my wheels.

  4. Oh my goodness…it’s like I could have written this myself!! Except that I was the worship leader who had an affair. No more worship. Lost my job. Husband has forgiven me, but although I have forgiven myself (?) I still have moments when I feel like I’m being punished, but God isn’t like that. I have said those same words sbout God taunting me. I think for both of us it is a season of character growth and learning to hear His voice again. Ohhh man, I know what you mean… I’d like to follow your journey if that’s ok.

  5. I agree that we’re on “an adventure without a map”. I’ve been out of the practice of medicine for six years and I’m still struggling with my reason for being. Medicine was my ministry as well as my vocation. I love being at home with my kids, but I miss so much about my old life. But, of course, God is teaching all of us lots and lots of things . . . I’m glad you’re blogging again. Praying that your baby girl is still doing well.

  6. Pingback: Lightening it up…. « this and that and then some

  7. Pingback: Dear Fellow “Lost” Wanderers…. « this and that and then some

  8. Pingback: Seasons Change « this and that and then some

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