I think I like spring and fall the best. Now, normally, I’m someone who prefers extremes. I don’t live in the middle very well. But as far as seasons, I don’t like the extreme hot and cold of summer and winter.
I love the new life, the smells, the budding greens of spring. I love the hints at warmer weather, being able to leave the winter coat at home for the first time and enjoy a gorgeous walk outside breathing in that yummy spring air.
I also love it when fall cools the air and brings a crispness to it. I LOVE the colors as the leaves change, and raking them up so Caleb can jump in them with abandon! I even like needing to put on a sweatshirt for those cool mornings and nights after the sweltering heat of the summer.
Just recently I had to face this idea of seasons changing in my life. It was not a beautiful, sweet experience like the changing of winter to spring or summer to fall. But it was necessary. And cleansing. And actually moved me ahead in my healing.
As much as we may enjoy the seasons changing and enjoying new weather, we still have to say good bye to some things we enjoy. When spring comes, we no longer get to enjoy cuddling up under a blanket with a cup of hot cocoa (or a pumpkin spice something yummy!). We have to pack away the sleds for a while. We don’t get to go outside and build a snowman or laugh together as we pelt each other with snowballs in a good ol’ fashioned snowball fight.
As fall enters we say good bye to swimming pools, water gun fights, days at the beach. The laziness and spontaneity of summer vacation comes to an end and we have to get back into a schedule, stricter bed times, and less free time.
With the great beginnings sometimes come sad endings.
I had to come to accept the ending of my season in ministry. For now at least. I had to deal with what I lost professionally because of Tim’s affair.
This was a very painful process. Having to dig out hurts, anger (oh, A LOT of anger!), disappointment, so much pain that had been sitting in there for a long time.
I had to face the fact that in THIS season of life, I am not working in ministry. And I have NO idea if that will ever be a reality again. I don’t know that it WON’T, but I don’t know if it will either.
I had to face the fact that for this season in my life I am a SAHM/WAHM. My job right now is at home, taking care of kids who need me. And fortunately I can sometimes do some graphic design work.
But this season is not in ministry.
Now, that all looks pretty elementary, right? You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Um, Vicky, that’s been your reality for two years and you’re just NOW realizing that???”
I think the problem was that I wasn’t ACCEPTING it. I hadn’t fully dealt with the all the loss. I hadn’t accepted that that season had truly come to an end. That chapter was closed. I think in some ways I was still grasping for this foggy dream of what was and not letting go of it.
I’ve written about the pain of losing that a few times here. But, thanks to my counseling and God’s unending patience with me, I think I have finally started to accept this so I can move more fully into this present season.
Does it still make me sad that that season is over. YES! But it doesn’t have the crippling, heart wrenching pain it did before. It is something I miss a lot. I HOPE I will be able to do ministry of some kind again, but I can’t live just waiting for that to happen. I have to live in where God has me right now. And wait and see what God brings in the next season of life.
I think this is related to my “Lost” post. So, to my fellow dear wanderers wondering what God has for us, I hope God can use this experience to help your heart. To heal some of your pain. To give you hope to find ways to love the season you’re in. It’s always going to be a struggle, as is anything good and worthy in life. But we can do this. Together. Holding each other up. Encouraging one another when we’re hurting, longing for what was, hoping for what could be. Reminding each other that God has us HERE, NOW, and is with us, loving us, and giving us PURPOSE. NOW.
I believe in you. In who you are and how God is lovingly crafting you. But, more importantly, GOD believes in YOU! He sees who you’ve been, who you are, AND who you are yet to be!
Anyone still out there with me?