We went to a birthday party for a friend’s children over the weekend.  There were people there who know of all that has been going on with us.  Some of the relationships are complicated.  It was a mix of people who I know at varying levels.

As I was sitting there I felt very exposed.  That’s the best word I can come up with I think.   I just felt like “Everyone knows.  They are all looking at me and they know Tim cheated on me.  They all know.  They all think I wasn’t a good enough wife and that’s why he cheated.  They’re watching me now.”

It was a yucky feeling.  I felt kinda like I wanted to sink into the floor some of the time.

Tim doesn’t see why I should feel any shame or embarrassment.  I can’t really even put my finger on it.  Ever since all of this came out I just feel like now people know about a part of our life that they are not supposed to know about.  I feel like people are watching and wondering or judging my/our decisions.

When I told Tim he asked me if I thought that “so-and-so” was a bad wife and that’s why her husband cheated on her.  Sheepishly I said no.  But for whatever reason, I have it in my head that that’s what people think of me.  And I can’t shake it.

I know, I have issues.

I guess I still have some work to do!

4 thoughts on “Exposed

  1. First of all, very cool picture. I likey. Second of all, I can understand why you would feel that way. Sounds pretty natural to me. I have not experienced your situation myself but I can see how you would feel self-conscious. I have had other embarrassing events take place in my life that I felt like everyone was aware about and MUST be thinking about as much as I was. Time really does heal wounds and thankfully it also produces forgetfulness in people. :0)

  2. Aw hon – I love you SOOO much. If I was there, I would have been all like, “Yeah? You want a piece of this? It’s go time!”

    I understand why you feel that way. I think people have a hard time deciding the best way to handle things – I’ve noticed that with our fertility biz alot.

    I’m sending you BIG hugs!

  3. I know EXACTLY how you feel.

    You do feel exposed. And you do feel responsible.

    It’s a lie – but that doesn’t make the feeling any less real.

    I just have to try to counter those lies (when they come – and they seem to come a lot) with some truths . . .

    1. No one makes anyone else sin.
    2. There is no excuse for an affair. No excuse.

    Not that you don’t know those things – but if you are like me – you internalize and you know your own guilt too in a marriage. (It is rarely made up of two sinless people – right?)
    And I also play the “what if?” game where I think if I just had done something differently than he wouldn’t have been driven to an affair.

    What a battle – eh?

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