We went to a birthday party for a friend’s children over the weekend. There were people there who know of all that has been going on with us. Some of the relationships are complicated. It was a mix of people who I know at varying levels.
As I was sitting there I felt very exposed. That’s the best word I can come up with I think. I just felt like “Everyone knows. They are all looking at me and they know Tim cheated on me. They all know. They all think I wasn’t a good enough wife and that’s why he cheated. They’re watching me now.”
It was a yucky feeling. I felt kinda like I wanted to sink into the floor some of the time.
Tim doesn’t see why I should feel any shame or embarrassment. I can’t really even put my finger on it. Ever since all of this came out I just feel like now people know about a part of our life that they are not supposed to know about. I feel like people are watching and wondering or judging my/our decisions.
When I told Tim he asked me if I thought that “so-and-so” was a bad wife and that’s why her husband cheated on her. Sheepishly I said no. But for whatever reason, I have it in my head that that’s what people think of me. And I can’t shake it.
I know, I have issues.
I guess I still have some work to do!