We went to a birthday party for a friend’s children over the weekend. There were people there who know of all that has been going on with us. Some of the relationships are complicated. It was a mix of people who I know at varying levels.
As I was sitting there I felt very exposed. That’s the best word I can come up with I think. I just felt like “Everyone knows. They are all looking at me and they know Tim cheated on me. They all know. They all think I wasn’t a good enough wife and that’s why he cheated. They’re watching me now.”
It was a yucky feeling. I felt kinda like I wanted to sink into the floor some of the time.
Tim doesn’t see why I should feel any shame or embarrassment. I can’t really even put my finger on it. Ever since all of this came out I just feel like now people know about a part of our life that they are not supposed to know about. I feel like people are watching and wondering or judging my/our decisions.
When I told Tim he asked me if I thought that “so-and-so” was a bad wife and that’s why her husband cheated on her. Sheepishly I said no. But for whatever reason, I have it in my head that that’s what people think of me. And I can’t shake it.
I know, I have issues.
I guess I still have some work to do!
this and that and then some 
First of all, very cool picture. I likey. Second of all, I can understand why you would feel that way. Sounds pretty natural to me. I have not experienced your situation myself but I can see how you would feel self-conscious. I have had other embarrassing events take place in my life that I felt like everyone was aware about and MUST be thinking about as much as I was. Time really does heal wounds and thankfully it also produces forgetfulness in people. :0)
Aw hon – I love you SOOO much. If I was there, I would have been all like, “Yeah? You want a piece of this? It’s go time!”
I understand why you feel that way. I think people have a hard time deciding the best way to handle things – I’ve noticed that with our fertility biz alot.
I’m sending you BIG hugs!
thanks em! fortunately no one DID anything. i think it’s all in my head, ya know? my head can be a dangerous place sometimes! 🙂
I know EXACTLY how you feel.
You do feel exposed. And you do feel responsible.
It’s a lie – but that doesn’t make the feeling any less real.
I just have to try to counter those lies (when they come – and they seem to come a lot) with some truths . . .
1. No one makes anyone else sin.
2. There is no excuse for an affair. No excuse.
Not that you don’t know those things – but if you are like me – you internalize and you know your own guilt too in a marriage. (It is rarely made up of two sinless people – right?)
And I also play the “what if?” game where I think if I just had done something differently than he wouldn’t have been driven to an affair.
What a battle – eh?