I’m kinda conflicted

Today Baby Bubbles is full term!  I hit 37 weeks today.  That means it is safe for her to be born anytime and everything should be pretty well developed.

And yet, I feel conflicted.

One one hand there are times when I am SO ready to be done being pregnant. I’m done with the pain, discomfort, the crazy swelling, lack of sleep (believe it or not I really think I will sleep more soon after she is here than I do now!  that’s how bad it is!), inability to bend over and pick something up off the floor, and this cold is just making everything worse!

Tim CANNOT wait to meet this little girl!  I can’t wait to see what she looks like and hold her in my arms.  Caleb even keeps asking if the baby is here yet.

BUT…..

On the other hand, this is the last time I will be pregnant.  And that is kinda sad at times.  I sit and watch her roll and squirm in my belly and am in awe that there is a little person inside me.  And I know I am really going to miss that.  There is just a special magic, amidst the muck, of being pregnant.  The amazing miracle it is to hold and nurture a life and watch it grow in my belly is something I’m really going to miss.

With the joy and anticipation of meeting Baby Bubbles, I’m feeling a sadness at this all being over soon.  And this sleep deprivation and hormones are not helping me to keep any sort of emotional balance to all of these feelings.

Two weeks (or less) will bring our little girl into the world.  There is still a lot of cleaning to be done in these last two weeks.  I, sadly, have never gotten that surge of “nesting” energy.  I have a DESIRE for things to get done, but the ability and energy to get up and do them….not so much!

Sometimes I feel like Rachel from Friends when she was yelling at her belly, “Come out! Come out! Come out!!”  And other times I just want to hang on to every little kick, nudge, roll and hiccup in my belly and want them to never end.

A big day!

January 19, 2010 vs. January 19, 2012

Today I had my weekly ultrasound and my last growth scan of Baby Bubbles!  It went great.  She did everything they look for her to do and all looked well.  We even got to see lots of HAIR!  Caleb was born with a full head of hair and I was kinda hoping Bubbles would too…it looks like that is just about guaranteed!  They saw nothing that was any cause for alarm, and I got to see her cute chubby cheeks again!  She is measuring big….a whopping 8 pounds 1 ounce at 36 weeks!  At most I have 3 weeks to go which (if she follows the general growth curve) would put her at about 9.5 pounds when she’s born.  A little big?  Yes.  But we just make big babies!  And the ultrasound measurements can be off by up to 2 pounds!  As long as she’s healthy, I’m good with that!

So, that’s how I got to start my day….gazing at my little girl and wondering when we will get to hold her in our arms.

But 2 years ago today…..one of the worst if not the worst day of my life.

Two years ago today is when Tim confessed to me his affair and my world imploded.  I won’t rehash all the details.  It’s just simply not necessary.  But these past several weeks have been hard.  UGH!  SO many triggers!  Really out of nowhere things!  Dumb little things that should not even make me think of the affair just pop into my head!  Songs on the radio that have nothing to do with anything somehow get linked up to thoughts or questions I have about the affair, the whys, the memories.  It’s painful. And HORRIBLY frustrating.

It’s frustrating because Tim is doing so much better right now.  WE are doing better.  There are moments when I think there is no way THIS man could have had an affair.  And it’s so frustrating to be thrown back there for no good reason outside of Satan trying to drag me down again in my “fragile” {read exhausted and maybe slightly hormonal} state.

People like to say, “It’s time to put the past behind you.  Don’t let it bother you.  Don’t dwell on it.  It’s over.  Move on…” Those kinds of things.  If it were that easy, there would be little need for psychologists and counselors, right?!?  I PROMISE you, on a stack of Bibles, I DON’T dwell on it!  I am not kidding when I say these things pop into my head out of nowhere.  If it were a matter of flipping a switch so that these dumb little triggers would never prick my heart again I assure you I would do it!  But it doesn’t work like that.

The last few weeks Tim has been amazing!  The end of this pregnancy has been rough for me with lots of contractions, discomfort and down-right pain sometimes.  Tim has put me on “bed rest” a bit and is doing most everything around here!  He has been so supportive and encouraging.  I’m seeing him let God in and do some work on his heart.

And it’s wonderful!

And it’s scary!

Because I’m struggling to trust it.  I’m struggling to trust that this won’t be another roller coaster ride where we plummet again soon and this becomes just a foggy, distant memory that may or may not have been reality.

And I know that’s no way to live.  I can’t keep him and everything he does at arm’s length….JUST IN CASE.  That’s not how we heal.

So, I’ve been trying to let my guard down some.  I’m trying to let myself laugh more.  Let myself enjoy what we have right now, today.  And not worry so much about whether or not it will be the same tomorrow.  Because it’s here now.  And I’m trying not to miss it.  I’m trying not to compare it to the past, or worry about it’s presence in the future.

But it’s hard.  Today, it’s hard.

Today holds a weird collision of the past and the future.  What happened today two years ago colliding with  seeing the daughter of our future.

And it’s kinda messy.

But life is messy sometimes….most of the time.  God never promised us a perfect, clean, neat little life.  He promised us Himself.  IN the mess.  Never leaving, no matter how messy it gets.

Is this the year the world ends??

Tim read me a tweet yesterday that said (and I’m paraphrasing): “If the Mayans could tell the future, then there would still be Mayans!”

I thought it was clever!  It made me giggle with all the talk of this year being the end of the world. (For the record, I don’t think the world will end in December)

I’ve been trying to get excited for the new year, fresh starts, putting the past behind, looking forward to what is to come.  But I don’t feel any fireworks for 2012.  It could be the pregnancy exhaustion, I won’t rule that out.  But I just don’t have it.

2011 was a hard year.  NOT as hard as 2010 was….PRAISE GOD!  But certainly not an easy year either.  Looking back, I think I kinda feel like we floated aimlessly through it, just surviving day by day.  Not that the year was wasted at all, just….aimless mush.

I don’t like being aimless!  It bothers me.  QUITE. A. BIT!!

I don’t necessarily have to have everything planned out, but I like to have a direction.  Even a vague goal to work toward, something to anchor to.

And it’s been a long time since I have felt like I/we have had that.

And I don’t feel like I have that for 2012 either.  I think that is part of my “new year’s funk”.  I still don’t feel any direction or goal we’re working towards.

Now, of course, BIG things are going to happen in 2012!  Baby Bubbles will be born in 5.5 weeks or less {GULP!}, she will have open heart surgery {DOUBLE GULP!}, Caleb will start school ALL day EVERY day in the fall {TRIPLE GULP!}…..but I don’t feel like any of that gives me the direction I feel like I’m missing.

And I know this just means more prayer, more listening, more waiting….but it leaves me in a bit of a “new year’s funk” I wasn’t anticipating.  When God is ready, and I’m ready for Him to show me what I am to do, I know He will do it.  And maybe, for now, it’s simply being a mom and that is the only direction or goal I am to have right now.

And that is quite a responsibility…one I don’t feel equipped for!  Hopefully this crazy love I have for Caleb and Bubbles will be enough to get us through until I can figure out how to do this mommy thing!

But I can’t shake this nagging longing for more.  Maybe I’m being selfish wanting more when I have so much right in my midst.  I don’t know.  I’ll have to figure that out I guess.

But, in the mean time, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU!  Let’s see if those Mayans knew anything, or if the guy responsible for counting the days just got bored and stopped at 2012!!  😉

Miscellaneousness

Let me just tell you, this pregnancy could not be too much more different than my first!  I haven’t written too terribly much about it yet, but as we’re nearing the end (ok, 8 more weeks, but it feels like it’s right around the corner!), I wanted to document some things.

I. AM. SORE!!! Wow!  Nothing will make you feel old like lugging around a giant belly and it making every muscle, bone and tendon in your body ache!  I have been rocking the waddle for quite a while now.  Between the sciatic pain, back pain, braxton hicks contractions, and general pregnant-ness, I am quite a sight to behold.  Tim has a hard time not laughing as I try to get up off the couch or in and out of the car.  And if anything falls on the floor, chances are it will either stay there or I’m calling for Caleb to come pick it up for me.  He even says now “I’ll pick it up for you mommy because you can’t bend over.”  What did I do without him last time??

I don’t sleep anymore.  Haven’t slept much in the last couple months.  (See aforementioned pain description.  It is at full strength when I am trying to sleep, roll over in bed, get up for the zillionth time to go to the bathroom, etc.)  And I know it won’t get any better come February.  I think we should be able to bank up sleep so that when we need to make a withdrawal there would be some reserve we could pull from!  However, I think my reserve would be empty right now anyway!

I LOVE feeling her move!  Her movements are much different now….there isn’t much room in there anymore for her acrobatics.  And every now and then she does something that makes me gasp a little, but this is what I will miss most when she is born!  I love watching my belly bounce and seeing her roll under my skin.  It borders on creepy, but I think it is o so amazing!  It’s still hard to believe there is a little living PERSON inside me!  It’s just so amazing!

I’m much more concerned about things going wrong this time.  I think starting out the pregnancy thinking we had lost her got me started on a rocky road.  Once I had FINALLY stopped freaking out for every doctor and ultrasound appoint and relaxed and got used to enjoying them….then we find out she has the heart defect and will require open heart surgery.  This little life is so fragile.  All life is really!  I know at any moment God can decide to take her home and leave me here without her.  And sometimes I get so nervous that’s what’s going to happen.  I didn’t have so many fears with Caleb.  That was a pretty uneventful (for a type 1 diabetic anyway) pregnancy.

I don’t feel at all ready for her to come!  It’s very different this time.  She and Caleb will be sharing a room, so there’s really no “baby’s room” to get ready.  We had to rearrange things a bit, but there’s no decorating I can do.  There’s no “girlifying” the room or anything like that.  No showers this time.  Not nearly as much to buy or borrow since we kept everything from Caleb.  If it wasn’t for this giant belly, there would not be much evidence of a baby coming.  That is not to say I don’t think about her ALL. THE. TIME!  It’s just very different this time.  And I don’t feel ready!!

This is our last.  Unless God speaks very clearly to us, this is our last baby.  That is a very bitter sweet statement.  I’ve spent time thinking about this, and sometimes it makes me want to cry.  I am more than blessed!  REALLY!  A boy, then a girl, two kids who (presumably) will be healthy.  TWO kids?  REALLY?  I mean, how much better could it get?  But…..that means no more belly kicks.  No more flutters to feel in those early months.  No more watching that staticy garbled image on the ultrasound screen wondering who he/she will look like.  No more belly (well, not a cute belly anyway!  There will still be plenty of belly there!).  No more pregnancies.  And that is hard sometimes.  It’s sad to think there will be no more.  So, I REALLY don’t want to wish this pregnancy away.  Or rush it in any way.  I want to try to savor each of these last moments.  Hang on to them.  Not let them slip out of my memory.

BUT…..

It also means no more nausea, aches, restrictions, maternity jeans (I am REALLY hating these today!), swollen feel, ankles, hands, all of the aforementioned pain issues!

So, that is some random, miscellaneous-ness rolling around my sleepy, achey pregnant brain today.  And, due to my lack of any real rest as of late….I cannot guarantee the coherent-ness of any of these thoughts.

And, today’s post is brought to you by the number 2 and “-ness”.

Third Trimester….YIKES!!!

Gosh, having a second pregnancy is SO different than the first!  And I knew it would be.  Even when I was pregnant with Caleb I remember thinking how much I will miss being able to relax, nap, rest during the months of crazy pregnancy exhaustion.  And, oh, how true that was!

But, I did not expect it to go SO FAST this time!  I hit the third trimester already!  I only have 12 (or less) weeks to go!  Where did the time go??

All of a sudden I have this giant belly….which I am still wondering how in the world it’s going to get bigger and where she is going fit!

I think this is about 27.5 weeks (Sorry for the ugly bathroom shot - it's the only mirror we have in the house!)

And I have clothes like these hanging in the closet in Caleb’s room:

I STILL cannot believe I have GIRL clothes in my house!

With Caleb I was SO TERRIFIED of giving birth!  I ended up having a c-section with him, but I was so scared about going into labor and having to actually deliver a person!

With little girl, I just want to keep her inside as long as I can.  Not because I’m afraid of labor, but because she is safe there!  I can keep her safe.  She does not have to struggle for oxygen in my belly.  Her blood is pumping just fine right now.  I can give her warmth, she isn’t struggling to eat, I can feed her just fine (with lots of yummy holiday treats!  😉

But, I know, come February, I won’t be able to protect her as well.  She will struggle.  She may have a hard time eating.  She may get very exhausted when trying to eat and breathe.  I will have to watch every breath to make sure she is ok and getting enough oxygen.  I will have to give her heart medication so that she won’t suffer heart failure symptoms.

I won’t be able to protect her as much anymore.

And all I want to do is keep her close and safe.  And not suffering and struggling.  But once she is outside my body that job is going to be much harder.

And I don’t want Caleb to feel pushed aside by his little sister and all the attention and care that she will need.  I don’t want him to feel less loved.  He has been through SO MUCH these last two years as Tim and I deal with the affair, closing the church, jobs, etc, etc.  I don’t want anything else to harm him either!

I find myself struggling with so many fears.  There is so much that I can’t do anything about right now.  We won’t know exactly how much care or how many issues baby girl will have until she is here.  We won’t know how Caleb is going to react to having a baby sister around until she is here.  We don’t know much of anything until she is born and we figure things out one day at a time.

And I need to be ok with that.  I need to increase my trust and belief that God DOES know ALL of that….and SO much more!  I need to trust Caleb in God’s Hands.  I need to trust baby girl in His Hands.  Because my hands are incredibly incapable.  My hands can do so little compared to His.  And we desperately need His Hands wrapped around our family, guiding us, holding us, strengthening us.

And I know He will.  I know He IS.

I just forget…..OFTEN.  It’s hard to give up control, especially of this tiny little life I love to feel kicking my belly!  And the not as tiny life who smiles at me and hugs me and is currently singing “Frosty the Snowman” without ceasing!  I want to hang on to them.  TIGHTLY.

So, we take it one step at a time.

And tomorrow I have another ultrasound with the perinatologist.  And I’m planning to go in asking them to give me GOOD news.  Even just the mundane things.  I want to hear things like, “She has two arms, two legs, and one head.”  THAT is good news!  And I will take it!  THAT will make me happy tomorrow!

AND, we still need to pick a name for this sweet little fighter girl!