I’ve said before that blogging helps to sort things out in my head. To clear the fog a little sometimes. To weed through the gook.
I feel gooky. I’m not sure if I’ll even publish this. But I need to sort things out I suppose.
I don’t know where my life is going. Have you ever felt that way?
Wandering without a clear direction.
That pretty much describes how I’ve been feeling for quite some time now.
When my “career” sort of ended with Tim’s affair I was ok to take some time off. To take time to heal, get my feet back under me, work on our marriage and figure out where to go from here.
That was over 2 years ago now and I still don’t know what direction to head in.
Obviously I’m a mom. And that is a HUGE job! HUUUUUUUGE!!!!! I am SO thankful I can be home with them in these young years and not have to worry about trying to ask for time off from a job for all of Adara’s doctor’s appointments, missing work or having to quit a job for her surgery, etc. Gosh, I can’t even imagine what life would have been like if I had had a job during all her appointments and surgery in those first few months. God was SO gracious to give me that time with both of the kids and to be able to focus on her needs!
But I can’t help but shake this nagging feeling that I have something more. That I should be doing something else too.
It’s no secret I still miss Veritas. I still miss working in ministry. I miss being around people. I miss pouring into people. I miss creatively communicating God’s message. I miss wrestling with verses in the Bible as Tim and I discuss topics and messages. Debating what they mean, what God is trying to tell us, verses that seemingly contradict other parts of the Bible and wrestling with those questions so we can be more prepared (never having all the answers!) to teach those messages and wrestle those issues with people at church. There are a lot of things I miss…..
Being a stay at home mom is very isolating. I keep telling myself if we ever get to move I am going to make sure and LOVE that house because those walls are all I get to see most days! Sure, I get to go to doctor’s appointments, the grocery store, Target, but those are not “life giving” places to go for me! I don’t have much contact with other adults. And if I do, our conversations are interrupted every 5.5 seconds by a little person. So, needless to say, not much significant conversating happens! 😉
I miss getting in the trenches with people. Trudging through the muck with them. Celebrating with them when they’re victorious. Listening. Praying.
Right now about the most time I have for conversations is a text. And even those are often times written in a few sittings because I can’t get a WHOLE text written without interruption! You can forget a phone conversation! (C’mom moms, you know what I’m talking about, right?!?!)
I’ve been told….”this is just for a season.”
But is it?
How do I know?
And how do I squelch this nagging gnawing in my gut?
Our church is great. The pastors are so caring. They seek God so whole-heartedly. There are great people who go there.
But, for me, the services are dry. So dry.
I CRAVE artistic expression. Color. Sound. Smell. Drama. Video. Creative reading. Stories. Creative interaction with the message. ANYTHING.
And we just don’t have that. And they are NOT wrong for not having that. They prefer a much simpler kind of church. Let’s teach the Bible and worship through music and pray and be in community. That’s what they stand for. And that is NOT wrong.
I just NEED the creative expression of God too. My heart needs to be touched, not just my head.
And I wonder if I will ever be able to do that again. It’s hard to accept that I may not. That perhaps my time in ministry in the capacity I was in is over for good.
I wonder why God would taunt me with that. Why would He fill my heart so full as I served Him only to let someone else’s choices take that away and never give it back?
Or maybe something is wrong with ME! Maybe it’s not Tim’s affair that took me away and has kept me away. Maybe it’s solely my own fault that God is choosing to not use me. Maybe it’s just easier to blame Tim and not take ownership for my own failings.
I wish I could just let it go. I need to ask God to let me be fulfilled in the role of “mom” that He has given me now. I need to be happy being at home and ask Him to show me how I can serve Him HERE. I need to stop looking out and wanting more.
It’s ok if you don’t comment. I’m not looking for Christian platitudes. No cliches are necessary. I’ve told them all to myself already. I think I just needed to get this out of my head.
If you feel a little lost in life, let me know. Let’s be in community together. If we’re lost together, we can hold one another’s hand and navigate the windy roads together. Sure, we may take a wrong turn. We may have to back track a bit. But that’s ok. It’s all part of the journey. And if we do it together, maybe we won’t feel so much “lost” as “on an adventure without a map”. That sounds better, huh?? 🙂