Not sure where to start

I’m not sure where to start.  My emotions and thoughts and prayers are ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Last night, at church, I had to announce that Veritas Church is closing.  Next Sunday will be our last gathering together.  I can’t even put into words how much it hurts to do this.  Starting a church is one of the hardest things to do in ministry, I’m told.  And we LOVED this church, the people, the vision God gave us for this church.  And to have that all end is just so painful.

I KNOW it’s the right thing to do.  God, thankfully, made that clear.  I need Him to be overly clear – I can be a little hard headed sometimes!  He brought three people in one day – totally unrelated people – to have conversations with me and telling me (basically) this is what has to happen.  I have God’s peace through this because I know I’m obeying Him, but it still hurts so bad.

At first I thought this was going to be the end of Tim and I.  I really didn’t think I was going to be able to get over the affair AND losing the church because of it – and at the same time.  I just figured this was it.  But God has been working on me.  Tim is the only other person in the world who knows what it means and how it feels to close Veritas Church.  We can be there for each other right now.  It’s hard.  I feel kinda schizo sometimes – one minute we’re in this together, the next I “hate” him.  It’s quite exhausting really!

Now I can and need to focus on myself and my family and what God wants me to do to get through all this.  But I don’t know how to do that!  I don’t know how to focus on me and take care of myself!  It’s really hard to do.

I really wish the amount of mental and emotional work I’m doing could translate to physical work!  I would lose some SERIOUS weight!!  But, alas, the aforementioned mental and emotional energy pretty much sucks up any physical energy I have.  So, what do I do?  I eat!  I eat bad food!  I then feel crappy about myself for gaining weight and eating bad when I know I shouldn’t, and then it all just keeps spiraling.  It’s all pretty messy!

But, if God’s taken me this far, I don’t think He’s going to leave me out on my own now.  So, I will try to get my head out of the fridge and into the Bible more.  In the meantime, there is some chocolate somewhere calling me name!  😉  And a box of tissues.


10 thoughts on “Not sure where to start

  1. just wanted you to know that I am praying for you. I am so sorry that this is an added layer to the pain. Prayers for peace and rest for you.

  2. I am thinking of you and praying for you…I remember the feeling that your heart is actually in physical torment…falling apart…breaking in two. The wonder of it all is that our God is a miracle worker and He takes what is broken and reforms it into something stronger and even more precious. Trust that He is continually working in and through this.

    • your words are so comforting – you DO KNOW what this feels like. you described it right! i am thankful for the truth about God and His working through this. I try to cling to that truth so i can have hope! thank you for the wonderful reminder!

  3. Crying with you over this huge loss. You have been in my prayers numerous times over the last couple of weeks. I wish I were closer to give you a big hug. Praise God for your decision to run to Him and not away. May you SEE the blessing of God and SENSE Him very close in the midst of the storm.

    • thanks meesh!! i am so thankful that God has given me the strength and relationship with Him that i will run TO Him and not away! i don’t even want to think about where i’d be without Him right now! thanks for the virtual hug my friend!!! 🙂

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