Yesterday was the last day of Veritas Church. We met together for the last time. We had a family dinner, talked, prayed and loved one another, celebrated what God had done in our lives, shared communion and worshipped through music. It was wonderful and so very painful for me. But that was yesterday.
When I woke up today, life was totally different. I am no longer a pastor. I don’t have a home church yet, I don’t have a job, I don’t have a ministry outside my home. My marriage is hanging on by a thread.
I am grieving today. And that’s ok. There is some big loss in my life right now. But it’s not the end. I’m writing this because I have to remember that!
I am now a full time stay at home mom (SAHM). I don’t know that looks like. I don’t know how to do that. But I will learn.
Right now my ministry is my family. I have not given that ministry the attention it deserved in the past. Church planting is hard. And a lot of work. And I think I let it take too much of my time and attention for too long.
Today that’s different. I have a sweet, precious little boy who only has one mommy. And I need to take that more seriously. I will act on that more fully tomorrow. Today, I am EXHAUSTED. So, today, snuggling and tickling the little guy!
I have more time than I used to. More time to do so many things I have wanted to do but never had time to. I have time to work out! I am planning to use exercise to deal with my emotions. I don’t want to use food or medication to fight depression, so I need to find other ways to deal with it. GOOD food and exercise is my choice.
I read this on a blog today. I can’t tell you how much God used this to speak to my heart and how much I needed this today:
“… A night of failure sets the stage for a day of fantastic results if you don’t give up; —
God uses the long dark night to accomplish some important spiritual changes. He wants us to have those times when no human answers, no human consolation, no human heroes; no human efforts can change things. He’s bringing you to the end of what you can do; the end of anything you can even think of doing. Because that’s the beginning of the things only God can do. First, He has to get us out of the way.” (Ron Hutchcraft)
I could not have described where I am better than that quote. I think I am out of the way. I have nothing left. No human efforts or consolation can really help completely. God is the only One who has been able to give me deep peace and comfort. He is the only One who has been able to reach into my broken heart and hold all the pieces.
My life is not over. It is taking a sharp turn that I was not expecting, that’s for sure! But it is not over. And I’m not going to plan to be in ministry again. That is for God to decide. I am going try very hard to live in today. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. But I have today.
Today, I get to be a mom. Today, I have a marriage to work on. Today, I have a relationship with a God who loves me more than I could ever comprehend. Today I serve a God who is more powerful thank I could ever imagine. Today He is providing for our needs. Today He is loving me and giving me strength…for today.
Today, I am thankful for all of that.